How to speak South Essex

To the NE of London is a region called Essex, so naturally the South of that very region is bordering London. In fact, some areas of South Essex are technically part of Greater London. For anyone having trouble communicating with the indigenous Essex folks, here’s some help:

alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item
amant - Quantity; sum total (‘Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend’)
assband – Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc
awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost (‘That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t’day’)
branna - More brown than on a previous occasion (‘Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?’) cort a panda – A rather large hamburger
Dan in the maff - Unhappy (‘Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit Dan in the maff’)
eye-eels - Women’s shoes
Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre
garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired(Trace: ‘Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs at go in the garrij cos it aint working proper’)
Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island
lafarjik - Lacking in energy (‘I feel all lafarjik’)
OI OI! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs
paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport
reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover (‘I couldn’t elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig’)
Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV’s, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday
tan - The city of London, the big smoke
webbats - Querying the location something or someone is. (‘Webbats is me dole card Trace? I’ve gotta sign on in arf hour’)
wonnid - 1. Desired, needed. 2. Wanted by the police
zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is. (‘I told ya a fazzand times already’)